


rubbish

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, holiday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2773022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“You can’t come home with me for Christmas.”</i>
</p><p>//</p><p>Niall's gotten himself into a bad position, but only manages to make everything worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	rubbish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Paynlinson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paynlinson/gifts).



> I haven't written fic in about a year, so I'm a bit rusty, but I tried my best.

When he’d asked Harry to come home with him Christmas, he’d figured that this all would be sorted out by now.  He’d figured that he would have found a loophole and everything would be okay.  But here he is now, it’s nearly Christmas and nothing has changed.  He hasn’t rang his mum or his dad or told Harry what’s going on and everything’s a right mess.  That’s why he’s currently pacing restlessly along the length of his bedroom, probably wearing spots in his carpet.

“Babe?” A low voice calls and breaks him out of his trance.  A few more seconds and then Harry’s waltzing in, leaning on the door frame, and staring at him sweetly.  Now would probably be a really good time to tell him.  “Is everything okay?  I picked up some Chinese takeaway.”

“Everything’s great.” But he can’t do it. He lies. “I’ll be right there.”

He knows he really needs to tell Harry.  He needs to stop putting it off, needs to stop lying, needs to stop being so afraid.  He doesn’t really know what he’s scared of but maybe that’s it.  It’s the uncertainty that’s picking him apart and making it so impossible for him to just get this over with.

When he finally brings himself to go out into the living room, Harry has his hair pulled back and he’s pretty deep into a container of Lo Mein.  Maybe that’s what he’s so afraid of.  He’ll really miss having this boy in his flat, so at home, all Niall’s, if all of this goes wrong.  Harry seems to notice that Niall’s come in because he perks up, sending a grin Niall’s way, full up with food and Niall is absolutely disgusted. “Hi, love.” Harry says, mouth full of food.  Gross boy. “I was going to wait for you, but you took ages.  Got your favorite, though. Kung Po Chicken.”

As Niall sits down next to him, digging into his own food, he really lets in set in how much he’s going to miss this once it’s gone.  He doesn’t know why he’s done this to himself.  He should have gotten this over with weeks ago instead of letting it all build up and making everything worse for himself.  Worse for Harry.  Making everything hurt that much more when he does rip the Band-Aid off and come clean.

“Everything good?” Harry asks, setting his food down on the coffee table and looking at Niall with a look of concern.

“Chicken’s really good, yeah.” Niall replies, avoiding what Harry was clearly actually asking. “Thanks.”

“Niall, please.” Harry says, scooting closer to Niall on the sofa and resting his hand on Niall’s knee. “Talk to me.  Tell me what’s going on with you.”

“Nothing’s _going on_ with me, Harry.” Niall says defensively. He really shouldn’t be this defensive. “Whatever that’s even supposed to mean.”

“It’s _supposed to mean_ that you’re my boyfriend and I know you.” Harry says. “I can tell that there’s something that’s bothering you and I really don’t like you keeping secrets from me.”

“I’m not keeping any secrets from you.” Niall says, but Harry sees right through him.  He always has.  He’s probably always going to.  Niall’s shit at lying.

“Cut it out, Niall.” Harry snaps. “Just tell me what’s going on. Please.”

Moment of truth.  This is when he tells Harry and everything goes to shit.  Harry never speaks to him again and Niall’s left all alone for the rest of eternity, but it’s all his own stupid fault.  Before he can really think about it, the words are tumbling from his mouth like vomit, and that’s not really what he wanted to say at all, but the outcome is the same.

“You can’t come home with me for Christmas.”

It wasn’t what he’d meant to say, it really wasn’t.  He’d meant to say something completely different, and if things weren’t completely hopeless before, they definitely are now.  He’s got a very distraught, very on-the-verge-of-tears Harry sat next to him with his face in his palms and he wants to take it back, but he can’t.  Harry wouldn’t believe it for a second.

“Why can’t I—“ Harry starts, sniffling, and Niall realizes he actually _is_ in tears.  Great. “What did I do?”

“Nothing, Harry!” Niall nearly shouts, feeling so much regret, wishing that life had a rewind button. “You didn’t do anything, I swear, you didn’t do anything.”

“Is that the problem?” Harry asks, looking up at Niall with wet, red eyes and Niall wants to disappear. “Is there something I’m not doing that I should be? How can I fix this?”

“It’s not you,” Niall says, trying to avoid sounding too much like a cliché, but trying to spare Harry’s feelings as much as he possibly can. “I promise, there’s nothing you’ve done wrong, okay?”

“Then explain this to me.” Harry says, getting so serious so quickly. “Explain to me why you waited until this close to Christmas to tell me that my holiday plans are canceled.  And you won’t tell me why that is.  You just drop it on me like it’s nothing.  No explanation.  I’ve been looking forward to this for months and you just take it away from me.  Explain that.”

“I don’t know how to explain it.” Niall says.  He feels lost and defeated and he wishes none of this had ever happened. “Something came up.  I don’t know what to say.”

“What came up?” Harry demands, and Niall just stares blankly.  This is exactly why he didn’t want to bring this up.  Everything’s falling apart right in front of him and it’s his own fault, really, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. “Niall, I may be a bit daft sometimes but I’m not a bloody idiot.  I thought we agreed 5 months ago when he started this whole thing that this was a no secrets relationship.  Tell each other everything, the whole deal.  This is rubbish.  You’re ashamed of me and you don’t want me to meet your family, that’s fine, just tell me.”

“It’s not—“ Niall starts, unaware of where he’s even going, but Harry cuts him off anyway.

“You know what, I don’t actually care.” Harry says, standing up from the couch and grabbing his coat off the armrest of the sofa. “I’ll just stay at Liam’s.  Call me if you sort yourself out and I might pick up.”

“Harry, please.” Niall pleads, but Harry’s already out the door and slamming it behind him.  It’s just what he imagined happening but it hurts so much worse.  It’s a tightness in his chest and a dizziness in his head and he feels like he’s going to vomit at any moment.  It’s a waking nightmare.  He’s put so much effort into this relationship and he just destroyed it all on his own, all out of fear.  He’s a monster. 

****

_Day 1_

It’s the first time in weeks he’s woken up without Harry in his flat.  It feels worse than it ever has before, because before this, there were reasons for it other than he fucked everything up and Harry left.  He probably won’t ever adjust to that.  _Harry left him_ but _Niall pushed him to it_ and that’s the hardest part.  That what’s making him hurt so bad is all his own fault.  It’s a running theme.

He goes down the hall and into the kitchen and it’s exactly the way he left it, which would have never happened if Harry were still here.  The dishes would be done and put away, coffee would be made, and breakfast would be ready.  Niall really takes him for granted.  He grabs a jug of milk from the fridge and heads towards the couch because he’s hungry but he’s too sad to eat.

He goes over last night in his head.  What he did wrong, what more he could have done, how he could have stopped Harry from leaving.  He takes a swig from the milk jug.  A bit sour, but he deserves it, so he takes another swig.  Harry left last night and Niall watched him go, he just sat there and watched as Harry walked out and slammed the door behind him.  He put forth no effort to stop him and he doesn’t quite understand why that is.

He lied to Harry last night.  The first lie he’s ever told him in the span of their relationship, beyond the small things like “your hair looks fine” or “it’s okay, I didn’t really want to go anyway.”  Niall broke Harry’s trust and he broke his own trust.  He did the one thing that he swore he’d never do from day one.  He hurt Harry, and he hurt himself in the process, and he’s never going to be okay with that.  Not until Harry comes back and that may never happen.

He starts to feel nauseated from the sour milk but keeps swigging through it.  He calls Harry’s phone.  He’s always been an early riser so he should probably be awake by now.  Five rings then straight to voicemail.  He tries again.  Straight to voicemail.  He calls Liam’s and it’s the same thing.

There’s a twinge of regret and a feeling of hopelessness because it’s like he chased Harry away on purpose.  He could have just told him the truth.  It would have been harder but at least it wouldn’t feel so awful.  He chased Harry away with a lie.  He could have avoided this but he didn’t.  He lied and now he’s alone.

****

_Day 2_

He sees Liam at Waitrose and Liam pretends he doesn’t see him.  It’s a bit strange, he thinks, and he wonders if Harry’s told him everything.  He wonders if Harry twisted the story around to make Niall seem worse.  He supposes Harry wouldn’t do that, though, and he wouldn’t have to do much twisting to make Niall seem like a monster.

Liam was his friend first, though, is the thing.  He feels like a petulant child, but Liam’s been his best mate since he moved to London 5 years ago, and now Harry’s turned Liam against him.  Maybe it’s not Harry’s fault.  Maybe Liam decided this on his own.  Maybe he should have just told him the truth in the first place.

“Liam,” He says, because even if Liam’s cross with him, he can’t just ignore him like this.  Liam turns around but he face doesn’t lift with recognition.  It’s blank. “Hey, man.”

“Hey.” Liam replies, but then he turns back around. “Look, I’ve really got to go.  See you around, mate.”

It’s the strangest thing that’s ever happened to him.  From Liam, he usually expects a full run-down of everything that’s happened to him in the past 24 hours, even the small details.  At least a smile.  Niall has never seen Liam without a plastered-on smile.  He has himself to blame.  He broke Harry’s heart, he fucked it all up, and now his friends are taking sides.  It makes sense but it doesn’t make it feel any less rubbish.

****

_Day 3_

Third day without Harry and he calls his mum.

He doesn’t know what he plans to say.  He doesn’t even think he’ll tell her what’s going on.  He’s just going to make the problem worse and worse until it’s as bad as it could possibly get.  But that’s what he does best, isn’t it?

He’s just tired of calling and calling and having it go straight to voicemail.  He needs someone to pick up.

“Hello, love.” His mum says when she picks up on the second ring. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay, mum.” He replies, though he knows it’s a lie.  He’s falling apart, really. “How are you?”

“I’m good, sweetie.” She says.  He really misses her sometimes, especially now when he’s completely alone. “Why did you call?”

“Just wanted to talk.” He says, and it’s true.  Though she probably hears it as ‘just wanted to talk to _you’_ rather than ‘just wanted to talk to _anyone at all_ ’.  He’ll let her believe it. “Miss you.”

“Miss you, too.  But we’ll see you and your special friend tomorrow, won’t we?”

Special friend.  He’s going to have to tell his mum that special friend isn’t coming anymore.  He doesn’t have an explanation for that.  “You’ll see me, but something came up.”  He says.  He’s been saying that a lot lately.  “They won’t be able to come with me.  They’re going to spend the holidays with their family.”

He’s a liar.  First he lied to Harry and now he’s lying to his own mother.  It’s something he swore he’d never do, beyond faking sick to get out of school.

“Oh no, is everything okay?” His mum asks.  _No, not at all_ is what he needs to say to her.  He needs to tell her the truth.  “Are you still with her?”

“Yeah, we’re still together.”  He lies again.  He’s spiraling downward into a web of lies and he can’t get out.  He wonders if it will always be this way.  He wonders if he’ll ever tell the truth again.

“Okay, honey, as long as everything’s well.” She says.  Nothing’s well.  Nothing’s fine.  Nothing’s okay.  But he won’t tell her that.  “I really ought to go.  Last minute shopping and things.  I’ll see you tomorrow, love.”

“Bye, mum.” And then he hangs up the phone.  The call didn’t exactly go as planned.  He didn’t expect anything to be solved by the kind words of his mother, but he didn’t expect to leave the call feeling worse than before.

He decides he should pack his things for his flight tomorrow, but half the shirts in his top drawer belong to Harry and he just wants to lie down.  He wants to sleep until this is all over, maybe wake up to find that this was all some sick dream.

****

_Christmas Eve_

Niall doesn’t like airplanes.

He’s usually so high on muscle relaxers that he can’t remember his own name, but that’s one thing he’d forgotten for the trip today.  The last time he was one a plane, Harry was with him.

It was mid-October and Harry was going to New York to visit some old friends who’d moved, Niall begged to go with him.  Harry held his hand through takeoff and didn’t let go until they landed safely.  It was better and more effective than any muscle relaxer Niall had ever taken.

His legs are shaking and he’s tapping on the arm rest.  He’s sure the woman sat next to him wants to cut his arm off, because if he were sat next to him, he’d feel the same way.  The plane takes off and he’s going to vomit.  He’s got a headache already and he can’t even imagine how he’s going to feel once they reach their maximum altitude.

30 minutes into the plane ride and he wishes the woman sat next to him would pull down the window shade.  If Harry were here, everything would be okay.  He closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep.

When he does open them back up, they’ve touched down. 

His mum is waiting for him at baggage claim and he’s never been so happy to see someone’s face.  Ever since Harry left, he’s been feeling so lost.  London felt like home with Harry but now that he doesn’t have that anymore, he needs his real home, he needs his mum.

“Hi, love.” His mum says when he’s close enough, reaching her arms out for a hug. “How was the flight?”

“Rubbish.” He replies, but he probably won’t elaborate.  Probably won’t explain that it was so rubbish because the boy he was going to bring home has left him and it’s all his own fault.  He doesn’t want to tell his mum the truth.  She looks at him with a sad look in her eyes and he decides to elaborate just a little bit. “I just don’t like flying, mum, it’s okay.”

****

_Christmas Morning_

He wakes up on Christmas morning and he feels sick to his stomach.  It’s a general upset with a twinge of guilt because Harry’s not here.  Harry should be here, but he’s not, and he’s never going to forgive himself for doing this.

He goes downstairs and Bobby is in the kitchen with his mum, drinking his tea at the island while his mum slaves over breakfast.  It’s nice that they’re together.

His parents have been divorced for as long as he can remember, but they long ago settled on one Christmas to make it easier on their kids.  He and Greg are grown now, so they don’t really have to do it anymore, but it’s nice that they still do.  He often wonders if they’ll ever get back together.  He thinks that they wonder sometimes too.

Bobby seems to sense his presence, turning around on his stool and lighting up.  “Hey, bud.”  He says, getting up and walking towards Niall, opening his arms up for a hug.  “Good to see you.”

“Yeah, Dad, you too.” Niall says.  He doesn’t see his dad as much as he sees his mum.  His dad works a lot and doesn’t really get the chance to flight out to London to visit, but his mum always makes the time.  He’s not angry, he just wishes that he could come before his dad’s work every once in a while. “When are Greg and Denise getting here?”

“Oh, honey, they’re not coming this year.” His mum says from the kitchen. “They’re spending the holidays with her family.”

Okay.  So that’s great.  Nothing to distract from the fact that there’s yet another year that Niall’s shown up to Christmas alone.  Lonely.

“Oh.”  He says.  “Alright.”

“I was really looking forward to meeting that friend of yours, but your mother says she’s not coming anymore.”  Bobby says.  “What happened?  Everything alright?”

And there it is.  Another family member who he’s gonna have to lie to, because the truth just won’t come out.  More guilt.  More regret.  More, more, more.

“Everything’s good.”  Niall says.  Lies.  Always lying.  “Something came up, it’s nothing.”

“Just a shame.”  Bobby says, as if Niall doesn’t already know.  It is a shame, and he’s ashamed.  “It’s been ages since you’ve brought a girl home.”

“Yeah.”  He replies, because what is he even supposed to say?  “Guess it’ll be a little while longer.”

“As long as you’re—“ Bobby starts, but is interrupted by a knock on the door, then a ring of the doorbell.  “I’ll go get that.”

The voice talking to Bobby at the front door isn’t one that he immediately recognizes.  And he feels a bit silly when he does recognize it, because it’s one that has Niall sprinting towards the door.

“Niall, you didn’t tell us you invited another friend!” Bobby exclaims.  And Niall’s in a nightmare.  This is exactly what he was avoiding, and he’s really not ready for it, but he’s faced with it and he’s got to deal with it.

“Another friend?  No, I’m—“ Harry starts, but Niall is pleading with his eyes.  Pleading for him to just not say this right here and right now, and Harry seems to notice.  “Um, excuse me, Bobby.  Can I speak with Niall for a moment?”

“By all means.” Bobby says, stepping aside to let Harry inside.

“Niall, what’s going on?”  Harry asks, but Niall really doesn’t want to have this conversation here.  He doesn’t know how to breach this subject, but he knows it’s going to turn into a fight, and he doesn’t want it to happen in front of his parents.

“Let’s go up to my room, okay?”  He says and Harry nods, following him up the stairs.

This isn’t really how Niall wanted Harry to first see his childhood bedroom.  He wanted it to be today, but he hadn’t planned on it being this way.  He wanted to have it all sorted out by now.  Harry was supposed to walk around and look at all the things on the walls, everything on the shelves, touching every once in a while.  Soaking it all in that this is where Niall spent his time as a kid.

But Harry just sits on his bed.  Doesn’t notice the posters on his wall or the trophies on the bookshelf or his copy of Catcher in the Rye that he read cover to cover countless times in college.  Just sits and waits.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on or not?” Harry demands when Niall is silent for too long.  There’s no emotion on his face.  It’s not anger or sadness or disappointment.  It’s just nothing.  Niall has never seen him like this.

“It’s—It’s really complicated, Harry.”  He says, and he knows that’s not going to cut it this time.  Not that it ever cut it before.

“I didn’t come all the way to Ireland on Christmas morning for you to tell me that it’s complicated.”  Harry says, and the expressionless expression on his face is fading now.  It’s anger.  “I’ve got all the time in the world.  I don’t care how long the story is.  You need to tell me what’s going on right now.”

“Okay, so, uh—“ He starts, but Harry interrupts him.  Why does he even bother?

“When I introduced myself to your dad, he acted like my name wasn’t even familiar to him.  And he called me ‘another friend’ as if I’m not the person who was supposed to come in the first place.”  Harry’s right.  And Niall doesn’t know how he’s going to explain this or how he’s going to save his own ass. “Do your parents even know about me, Niall?”

“They do know about you.”  Niall replies, and it’s not exactly a lie.  It’s not really the whole truth either.  He could stop there, but maybe now is the right time for him to start being honest with everyone.  “They know about you, but they don’t really know that you’re, you know, you.”

“What do you mean?” Harry asks, and the anger has turned to confusion now.  It’s less intimidating but it makes Niall feel more guilty for what he’s about to say.

“They know that I’m seeing someone.” Niall starts, then corrects himself. “They know that I’m _with_ someone.  But that’s all they know.  I never told them your name.  They don’t know you’re a guy.”

“Your parents don’t know you’re gay?”  Harry asks, and this is what Niall was fearing the whole time.  He was afraid of Harry finding out that he’s 24 years old and he still hasn’t come out to his parents.

“No.”  He says, and he doesn’t know how to defend this.  He doesn’t have an excuse for why he’s never told his parents that he’s gay.  “I just figured that I’d deal with it if I ever found somebody.  But then you came along and I panicked.  I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“Oh, Niall.”  Harry says, and his face softens all of a sudden.  It’s not exactly what Niall was expecting, but he’s so, so grateful for it.  “You should have just told me.  I could have helped you through this from the beginning.”

“You’re not mad?”  Niall asks, hopeful, but still a bit worried.

“Mad that you haven’t come out to your parents?  Absolutely not.  Everybody has to do this at their own pace, I can’t rush you.”  Harry says, and a sigh of relief suddenly leaves Niall’s body.  “Am I mad that you pushed me away so you could avoid it?  Yeah, a bit.”

“You’re not mad that my parents think you’re a girl?” Niall asks.

“Worse things have happened.”  Harry says, and he’s patting the space next to him on Niall’s bed and Niall’s scrambling to finally be next to him again.  “We need to figure out what to do about this, though.  If you want me to go down there and pretend I’m just your friend, I can do that.”

“Nah.”  Niall says.  He doesn’t want to hide this anymore.  If there’s anyone in the world he feels safe enough to do this with, it’s Harry.  “I say we just tell them.  I’ll introduce you as my boyfriend and we’ll see how they react.”

“Do you think they’ll react badly?”  Harry asks, reaching for Niall’s hand.  Niall knows they won’t.  His parents have always been very open and that’s not why he put off telling them.  Now that he thinks about it, he’s not really sure anymore why he put off telling them.  He shakes his head.  “Good.  Let’s go make our grand entrance, then.”

Harry gets up and walks towards the door, but Niall knows how he wants to do this, and it’s missing one thing.  “Harry, will you hold my hand?”  He asks, and Harry lights up like the Christmas tree downstairs as he reaches for Niall’s hand.

As they stand at the door to the kitchen, neither Bobby nor Maura notice they’re there, so Niall clears his throat.  Bobby turns around first and seems to catch a glimpse of their twined fingers, but he doesn’t say anything.  “Mum, dad, this is my boyfriend, Harry.”

“Oh, honey, I wish you’d told me.”  Maura says, and Niall doesn’t exactly know if this is going somewhere good or bad.  “I wouldn’t have bought earrings as a gift if I’m known that your girlfriend was a boyfriend.”

“I could rock earrings.” Harry says offhandedly, clearly handling this better than Niall is.

“Dad, do you have anything to say?” Niall asks, noticing that Bobby is being unusually quiet.

“Are you treating him well, Harry?” Bobby asks.  Not the first question that Niall had expected to leave his father’s mouth, but if it’s really what he wants to know, then he’s certain he’ll be delighted with Harry’s answer.

“I think so, sir.  I try my best to.” Harry replies, then continues.  “I really do love your son more than anything.  I’m treating him as well as I know how.”

That comes as a shock to Niall, too.  Bobby and Maura aren’t the only ones getting shocked today, he realizes.  They’ve never told each other that they love each other.  It’s been dancing on the tip of Niall’s tongue for months now, but he’s never known how to say it.  Harry is the first person he’s ever felt this way towards.

He looks up at Harry to find that Harry’s staring down at him as well.  In Niall’s eyes are a question of _do you really?_ and Harry nods, a grin splitting his face.

“That’s all I can ask.  Welcome to the family, Harry.”  Bobby says, reaching out to shake Harry’s hand.

Now Niall feels really silly that he was so scared to tell his parents, but at the same time, he’s glad that he waited.  He’s glad that Harry is here with him to help and he’s so happy to be in love.

****

_Christmas Evening_

At dinner, it becomes pretty apparent that Niall’s parents probably like Harry more than they like their own son.  He doesn’t blame them, really.

When Harry opens up the present that was meant for Niall’s ‘girlfriend’, he’s just about as excited as Niall had expected him to be.  He begs Niall to pierce his ears for him so he can wear them immediately, but really, that’s never going to happen.

After Christmas movies and gingerbread and everyone’s exhausted, they make their way upstairs.

“Tell me again.” Niall says, laying down behind Harry and wrapping his arms around his middle.

“Tell you what again?” Harry asks, playing dumb, because Niall knows he knows.

“The thing.” Niall says.

“I love you, Niall.” Harry says, turning around in Niall’s arms.  So close their noses are brushing.  “I know you’re new to this, but I’m not.  And I know that I’ve never felt so safe with anyone else, and I love you more than anything or anyone else in the entire world.”

Niall kisses him, then.  Really, really kisses him, because he’s never felt so safe either.  So loved.  He feels so lucky to be loved by someone as wonderful as Harry.  Harry’s hands find the small of Niall’s back as Niall straddles his hips, deepening the kiss.  He never wants this to end.  This moment.  Everything is perfect and he doesn’t know what he did to deserve someone as wonderful as Harry.

“I love you so much.” Niall says. “Sorry I was such an idiot.”

“I’m sorry you were such an idiot, too.” Harry says, grinning at Niall.

He can’t believe he almost let himself miss out on this.  He can’t imagine his life without this, or remember his life before this.  His past, present, and future is all Harry.  It’s all he can dream of.


End file.
